My first STD was from a foam party
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
50% drunk capacity currently
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
