i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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