there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
