We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
