I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
