Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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