Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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