What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
