So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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