i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
