I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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