I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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