Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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