next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
