my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
