Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
