i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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