My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
