Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
