Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
