So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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