is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
