are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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