he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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