I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
