does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize