WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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