I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
