quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm always down for nudity.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
