I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
