This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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