You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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