did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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