If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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