I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
