My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
