Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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