my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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