dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
