Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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