What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
