im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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