DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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