he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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