I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
