My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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