even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
