omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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