i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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