my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
